PCPC Blog

God's Masterpiece by Laurie Denham, M.S., L.P.C.

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 01:06:00 GMT

Each of us is God’s Masterpiece… carefully designed in His image, swaddled in His grace, and painted by the brushes of God’s love and mercy.

This special love must be nurtured and shared. Inevitably, we long to feel loved and to give it away, but the unfairness of life can turn one’s heart into a bitter cup. We spend precious moments trying to recover the love that was lost in the storms of life. If God called us His work of art in His Word, then one must wonder if suffering isn’t the brush that creates the Masterpiece. Come, walk with me and I will show you some of His work in me.

I realize that the renderings in my “gallery” reflect my perceptions, not factual images of reality. Some are prominently displayed and illumined. Others are shrouded and rarely peeked at. A few are turned to face the wall. Some bring a smile to my face, others a pang of regret, sadness, or perhaps, anger. For years I have kept certain ones at arms length, too busy to deal with them. But for a while now I have been perusing and reevaluating the place of those works in my heart.

Some I am appreciating in a new way. Others I find much changed since I put them there long ago. Amazingly, the twin artists, Time and Truth, have been restoring some of the shattered ones.

“Trust Betrayed” that I once displayed under harsh lights now appears as a mere pencil drawing. Those faint lines are almost invisible under the oils of acceptance and forgiveness. A dusty collage created from a young girl’s collection of hopes has dimmed. It faces the wall waiting for the new woman to remember its finery.

Time and Truth have taken brush in hand and softened the harsh edges of once painful memories, or brightened a dull photo. They have taken the fuzzy run-together watercolor images, painted with my tears, and sharpened them so that I, finally, see clearly what was actually there.

Suffering has a purpose that is much bigger than human ability to understand. In the scene once titled “Rejected and Lonely,” I now see the Hand of God between my broken heart and me. Now I see its real name: “Compassion for Others.”

I know the future will cast a different light on today’s paintings. My current life will be viewed and analyzed by older, wiser eyes. I hope that the choices I make today, the painting I am creating now, will be one that brings a smile to my face. Time and Truth will reveal the true beauty in His Masterpiece.

What Might My Behavior be Telling My Children? by Anne Oliphant, Psy.D., L.C.P.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:36:00 GMT

Am I demonstrating self-regulation? Am I modeling the behaviors I want my children to copy? Am I controlling my anger? How am I handling my anxiety? If I have a short fuse because I am stressed or depressed, am I finding help for myself to enhance my own self-regulation?

Am I setting appropriate limits for my children? Just as God does not want to see us stray from what is right, and gives us guidance in the Bible to help us follow the right path, loving parents set limits for their children. It is often difficult to do this in a society that seems to have no boundaries, but, as loving parents, we must set limits for our children and their behaviors; we must stand up for our values, and we must carry out appropriate consequences for our children’s inappropriate behaviors.

Am I communicating love and respect and empathy for our children? If we think of childhood as a period of extended practice, we can imagine that it takes repeated practice and repeated mistakes for children to finally figure out what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to do things correctly. Am I remembering to “catch our children being good?” Am I noticing when they behave appropriately and telling them that I notice?

Am I giving my children the time and positive attention they need, so that they do not have to settle for “soggy chips” but, instead, get the positive attention that all of us wish for? Am I noticing the things that they do right, instead of constantly nagging them about what they did not do or did not complete the way we expected them to?

Am I practicing forgiveness—of my children, of my spouse, of myself? Just as God forgives us when we ask Him, am I practicing forgiveness in my family? It is inevitable that, as parents, we are going to make mistakes. Many times we will mis-read what our children are trying to communicate to us through their behaviors. Am I going to recognize that I will “miss the mark” throughout the day, ask God for forgiveness, and then—far more difficult—forgive myself and family members?

Am I loving the child I have right here, right now, in front of me at this moment—not the fantasized image of the infant we thought we were getting before our baby was born or the child we used to have who has now become defiant and uncooperative? It is very hard to demonstrate love for children when they seem unlovable—the screaming inconsolable infant, the toddler in mid-tantrum, the door-slamming teenager—but this is when they need our love the most. We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviors, and we must set limits. However, loving a seemingly unlovable child is one of the most difficult challenges of parenting. It is also one of the most important things we must do as parents.

Do I remember that when my children mess up the most, they need my love and support the most? When I am at my worst, I need God’s love the most, and it is the same for my children. When they are their worst selves, they most need our love. They are going to mess up sometimes, and when they do, we need to be there for them—to understand, to guide, to correct, to set limits, to teach, sometimes to punish, to empathize, to forgive, and then to welcome them back into our warm and loving embrace, just as God welcomes us back into His warm, loving and everlasting care.

What is My Child’s Behavior Telling Me? by Anne Oliphant, Psy.D. , L.C.P.

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:24:00 GMT

We can think of our children’s behavior as a form of communication. When our child is happy and cooperative, it is not difficult to interpret the hugs, smiles, and willingness to do what we as parents request. However, our child’s seeming mis-behavior has meaning, too, and it is sometimes more challenging to understand the underlying causes of such behaviors. Behaviors that we parents might attribute to misbehavior may have other meanings. The psychologist, V.M. Durand, Ph.D., has provided several categories of children’s behavior that can help us understand what our child’s behavior might be telling us (Durand, V.M., Sleep Better, pages 176-178). Using his categories, as well as adding some of my own, I will offer my interpretation of each.

Regulatory Issues: All of us—infants, children and adults—need to develop and refine self-regulation skills; however, from infancy onward, some children find self-regulation to be overwhelmingly challenging. Although it is the infant’s and growing child’s (and teenager’s) job to learn to regulate his/her behavior, it is our job as parents to regulate our own behavior and then help our child learn self-regulation skills. The first way to help them learn is to set the example with our own self-regulation. Second, we can help by “recognizing the teachable moment” and helping them develop better strategies for dealing with stress and frustration. This is not as easy as it might sound. The middle of a child’s tantrum, when the child is completely dys-regulated, or when a teenager is slamming doors, for example, is not the time to teach better coping skills. Wait for a calmer time, then teach—not condemn.

Sensory Integration Issues: Some children find certain sensory experiences, such as the feeling of certain fabrics next to their skin to be aversive and stressful. They might make a fuss about wearing certain articles of clothing, shirt labels might irritate them, and experiences, such as playing in sand, might be unpleasant for them. Conversely, they might crave sensory input and show this by constantly seeking sensory experiences such as seeming to be constantly in motion or needing to have little toys in their hands with which to fidget. Unfortunately, sometimes parents and other adults attribute these characteristics to misbehavior instead of addressing what is frustrating to the child or what is helping the child self-regulate.

Attention Seeking Behaviors: We’ve all heard the story about “soggy potato chips.” If we have the “munchies” and are craving fresh, crispy chips, but all we can find is the almost-empty bag of chips at the back of the pantry, we will settle for those instead of waiting for a bag of fresh chips or forgoing chips altogether. In an analogous way, children will do the same in terms of attention seeking. Of course, they would much prefer our attention for what they are doing correctly and having our full attention focused on what they are telling us or showing us. But if they cannot get the positive attention they crave from us parents, they will settle for “soggy chips,” and engage in misbehavior, assuming (although they are most likely not aware of such an assumption) that even negative attention from parents is better than none at all.

Escape from Attention: Some children are easily stressed by the commotion of everyday family or school life. They become “flooded” and overwhelmed, and we can see their behavior start to escalate and start to get out of control. These children are not trying to be “naughty;” they simply cannot tolerate the level of activity in their environment at that moment, which is getting them revved up. At home, we can provide them with a calming place away from bright light, to go for rest and to self-regulate, with pillows, some books, maybe some soothing music and a soft, cuddly stuffed animal. This is not a punishment or “time out” for misbehavior. Rather, it is a place where we can direct the child before he or she becomes flooded and “loses it” by having a tantrum or an outburst.

Escape from Demands: Sometimes when children seem uncooperative about doing what we have asked, it is because they are afraid they cannot do the task, such as homework. They don’t know how to start or how to complete the assignment, so they just don’t do it or they make a fuss about doing it. Dr. Durand gives the example of a child not wanting to brush his teeth, and reminds us that the parent must ensure that the child completes these tasks. At times like this, a positive behavior chart, which you can find for free on the internet, can be helpful.

“I want that!” I have read that there are researchers who spend hours observing shoppers in order to find the best placement for products in the store. It is no surprise, then, that when we get to the checkout counter, the candies and gum and magazines are right there, at eye-level for us and our child who is sitting in the grocery cart. Or our teenager wants the latest electronic gadget that has come on the market, whether or not it is age-appropriate or affordable. Or our children want video games or to see movies that are not appropriate. It is our job as parents to decide what is appropriate to give our children and what is not, and when things should be given. Of course, when we say no, a child will very often push back against that limit. But that cannot stop us from doing what we know is right and firmly, but lovingly, setting limits.

Discover New Life in Broken Relationships by Ken Williams, M.A., L.P.C.

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 23:46:00 GMT

Discover New Life in Broken Relationships

Let’s face it, healthy relationships don't happen by accident. Relationships require hard work and commitment. I often compare relationships to gardening. If you have ever tried to grow something, you know that you just can’t plop a seed into the ground and walk away hoping for the best. I've tried this and it doesn't work. Whether you’re growing vegetables or flowers, careful attention is required for the best chances for the gardener to enjoy the “fruits of his labor.”

The same is true for healthy relationships. We often experience growth and life in our relationships when we pay attention to our needs. A garden will quickly become unmanageable, weed infested, and barren without the Gardener's touch and care, and so goes our relationships. As I reflect upon the important people in my life, these are some of the “tools” I plan to use to keep my relationships strong and healthy in the new year:

Smile: Make efforts to demonstrate emotional warmth to loved ones. Tend to anything that may threaten efforts to show kindness and affection verbally or physically. Common threats include stress, irritability, anxiety, and unresolved hurts and emotional injuries.
Filter: Commit to stating the positive and filter out everything else. Avoid using negative or hurtful words. It's just not worth it.
Letting Go: Let go of past resentments and break the blame cycle. Seek to reconcile broken relationships by offering apology and forgiveness. Let go of pride, anger, fear, anxiety or anything else that stands in the way of restoring relationships.
Be Flexible: Resist “have to”, “should” and “must” thinking. Give yourself permission to experience the good in your relationships even when things are not going your way.
Affirm: Tell others how much you care and love them. Make it a priority to compliment and build up your loved ones. Discover how offering genuine affirming words builds relationship intimacy and connection. Do this often.
Be Available: Make time for friends and family. Be present emotionally and physically. By showing up in the lives of others, you’re communicating how much you value your loved ones.

Finally, seek out ways to experience and express:

Love

Kindness

Service

Encouragement

Patience

Gratitude

Esteeming one another

These are some of the ingredients that help restore broken relationships and keep relationships alive and thriving. If you are intentional in plugging these things into your relationships, I believe meaningful connection, trust, and intimacy will occur. Also, remember that God can make all things new, and can breathe life into our dying and hurting relationships. He created us to be in relationship with each other and with Him and can teach us how to truly love and care for each other. Don’t be afraid to ask God to change your heart and to show you how to make your relationships stronger.

Feeling at War with Yourself and Moving Toward Peace by Courtney Slater, Ph.D.

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:26:00 GMT

Have you ever experienced a disagreement within yourself? You may feel like you are moving in two opposite directions at the same time or having two opposing feelings. Common examples of this include advancing in your job, while longing for a different kind of life or loving your family, but also feeling angry with them. Or you may feel ashamed of part of yourself and you work to keep it a secret, because it seems at odds with your sense of self. An example of this could be developing a relationship with your partner, while secretly feeling attracted to another person.

This kind of internal conflict—experiencing two seemingly opposite emotions, thoughts, or behaviors—creates distress. This can cause anxiety, depression, or emotional pain that can translate into problems at work or home and in your relationships with your loved ones. You might notice that when you try to silence or deny part of yourself you end up feeling irritable, tired, or argumentative.

If you experience this kind of internal conflict, I want you to know that there is help.

Modern psychology recognizes how painful internal conflict can be for an individual, but far before the birth of modern psychology, ancient scriptures discussed these issues. Psychology recommends the same things that we’ve heard from God since the beginning: come out into the light, receive grace and love, and experience new and transformative life. It is through relationships that we heal.

We often hide ourselves because we fear condemnation or invalidation, but Jesus offers grace and new life through his resurrection. He says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). And Paul wrote:

“Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:34-39)

If you feel divided against yourself and in need of clarity, freedom, and renewal, I encourage you to share your story with someone who is safe and supportive. By talking about it, in the presence of another person who offers grace and mercy, you can begin to sort through the issues, receive rest and healing, and gain a sense of strength and freedom. What is more, when we do this with each other we fulfill God’s call for us to love one another as he has loved us (John 13:34). If you’re feeling nervous about sharing or you want the help of a professional, please call Pike Creek Psychological Center. We would be happy to listen to your story, offer grace, and work with you to form an integrated and renewed life.

20 Seconds to a Better Relationship with Your Teen by Gretchen Mahoney

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 22:48:00 GMT

I hear a lot of disparaging remarks about teens in general, and teen use of hand-held technology in particular. “Teens these days don’t even know how to communicate without texting or Facebook.” What’s a parent to do? How can we get our teen’s attention?

One way to encourage relationship and conversation, ironically, is to hang up and be present. What percentage of the time do we greet our teens (or spouse or other family members) while engaged in a cell phone call? No one appreciates that. Cashiers, receptionists, and other professionals make it clear that customers on cell phones are a rude annoyance. How much more negative the message we send when we greet our teen while engaged in a call? When we arrive home from work, walk in the door, or pick our student up at school while paying attention to whomever is on the other end of the line, we send a strong signal: “This call is more important than you.” We may silently mouth to the teen right in front of us, “I’ll be off in a minute...,” but his or her place in the pecking order of our life has been clearly communicated.

If you think you might be on a call as you walk in the front door, consider delaying your entrance until you can finish the call or text. If you are spending time with your teen, say out at a restaurant at a ball game, turn the thing off for an hour; go ahead and remove the earpiece too. What signal will this send to your teen? “You are my priority.” Think through the instances when you would turn your phone off--is your teen any less important than that wedding, meeting, or concert? Take this time to be the example of healthy functioning in a relationship. Even if your teen does not disconnect his or her device, give your undivided attention, your eye contact, and by hanging up, your love.

When is it time to seek therapy? A brief guide for teens and their parents by Erin Worden, M.A., L.P.C.

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 22:30:00 GMT

As a counselor who specializes in counseling teenagers and young adults, there are several ideas that could be useful to either teenagers or their parents when considering the option of therapy.

For teens:

One of the first things to consider is some of the typical signs of depression or anxiety that might show up in teens or young adults. This is a not a comprehensive symptom list, but answering yes to some of these questions might shed light on your emotional need to receive therapy. Ask yourself:

Am I having a hard time enjoying things that I typically might enjoy?
Have my sleep habits changed? Am I sleeping more frequently or having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep at night?
Am I agitated or distracted? Is this even affecting my grades in school or my performance/attention at a job or extracurricular activity that I don’t typically have trouble focusing on?
Am I eating more than I should or not as much as I should?
Am I often feeling sad or crying more than I usually do?
Do I feel the desire to hole-up and spend time by myself when I typically might enjoy the company of others?
Am I “tied up in knots” inside and frequently feeling anxious?
Am I having panic attacks or feeling frequently overwhelmed?
Do things put me “on edge” that didn’t used to? Are there social, academic or family situations that I fear?
Am I just having a hard time liking myself or even wanting to treat myself well?

For parents:

Evaluating your teenager for the above symptoms is definitely important for parents, but undoubtedly the most useful idea that I would share with the parent of a teenager is readiness. Readiness is the idea that your teenager is ready to talk to someone about the things they are struggling with. A parent might feel that a teenager exhibits many of symptoms above, and she might be deeply concerned for her teen; however, if a parent forces her child to come to therapy, the process is often unproductive. I have met with many teens that are unresponsive or even resistant to the therapy process simply because they felt forced to come. A parent can measure the readiness of his teen or young adult by asking questions like these:

I’m concerned about you lately and wonder if you would feel more comfortable talking to someone other than me (or other support people)?
Would you be open to the idea of talking to a person who understands the kinds of issues you’re dealing with?
Would you be willing to give counseling a shot by attending one session to see if it might be helpful?

Many teens are surprised by the usefulness of therapy at improving their daily functioning, reducing their symptoms and raising their overall contentment level. Teens assessing the seriousness of their own symptoms and parents considering their teen’s readiness can help to lay the groundwork for a productive therapy process.

Concerned About the Summer for Your Child? by Kim Champion, Ph.D.

Fri, 27 May 2011 01:00:00 GMT

The summer is a great time for children to relax and enjoy being children, but it can be a problematic time for parents whose children have special needs. Many parents in Delaware rely on summer camps to entertain and supervise their children during the summer. Finding a summer camp that is a good fit for your child becomes a difficult experience if your child struggles in traditional camp settings due to being overlooked, bullied, or unable to manage anger effectively. Also, the summer is an ideal time to find ways to give extra help to your child if he or she is diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Asperger’s disorder, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or has other special needs that affect his or her quality of life.

Valley Day Camp, a non-profit camp for children ages 6 – 12 years, is an exciting summer option that promotes emotional, behavioral, and social growth. The camp is recreational, fun, and offers traditional summer camp activities. What makes this camp unique is that specialized programming is built into the daily activities to provide opportunities for growth in friendship skills, learning about feelings, communication and assertiveness, behavior management/self control, anger management, self worth, and self-confidence.

A low camper to staff ratio and well-trained camp counselors who have experience in mental health and education provide an exciting, safe, structured, and enjoyable atmosphere for your child. The staff not only uses planned times for teaching skills, but the recreational atmosphere provides opportunities for staff to coach children throughout the day in practicing the skills they are learning. VDC also provides resources and support for parents.

VDC includes field trips, fun specials, themed weeks, and various types of special therapies such as art therapy, pony therapy, pet therapy, photography, and drama therapy.

For more information, check out Valley Day Camp’s website, www.valleydaycamp.org, or call 302-559-3443.

Valley Day Camp is a program of a non-profit organization (Development & Research Innovations) that was founded by three psychologists from PCPC (Kim Champion, JD Willetts, and Judi Willetts) and an elementary school teacher (Chris Champion) to provide services that fill gaps in the community.

But Seriously Folks...The Power of Laughter for Emotional Health by Vicki Tillman, M.A., L.P.C.

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 00:07:00 GMT

I need to ask you:

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Why can’t penguins fly? They’re too short to be pilots.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

Hopefully you feel better already…What’s funny about all this is that laughter really IS good for you. Here are some things that happen to you when you laugh:

- Your body releases endorphins. Endorphins are chemicals that reduce pain and increase happy feelings.

- Your body reduces stress hormones (you feel less stressed-out).

- Your body boosts immune function.

- Your muscles relax.

- Oxygen levels in your body increase (good for stress relief).

The combination of all those things has the effect, at least temporarily, of feeling better- emotionally and physically.

Hey, even thinking about watching a funny movie before you watch it, starts the benefits (research by Berk at Loma Linda University 2006 noted this).

Not only that- at the workplace, folks who are having fun tend to be more creative, productive, get along better with others, have less absenteeism than those who are serious all the time, according to a study done by Abrams at California State University- Long Beach.

So, how about a good pun or a silly movie? And what I really want to know is:

How can you tell if an elephant’s been in the refrigerator?

Resources: http://Micro.magnet.fsu.edu, www.workplaceissues.com, www.holisticonline.com,
www.jokesclean.com, www.corsinet.com

A "Couple Check-up" Can Keep Marriages Tuned to Last a Lifetime by Jeff Ernst, M.A., Pastoral Counselor

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 00:10:00 GMT

As a marriage counselor, working with couples at various stages of their journey (dating, engaged, married), I recommend taking an on-line assessment tool, called the “Couple Checkup” and available from Life Innovations/Prepare-Enrich (www.couplecheckup.com). The inventory is designed to help identify your unique relationship strengths and growth areas. Cost is only $29.95 per couple!

We get our oil changed every 3,000 to 4,000 miles…We get our teeth cleaned at least once a year…We even get scheduled physical exams, to assess how healthy we are. Why not also invest in the growth & health of our relationship! Pre-marital & marital enrichment is about couples being pro-active, investing time, energy, and commitment as they take their relationship “pulse” and follow a prescribed action-plan. The Couple Checkup helps identify what a relationship needs to remain vibrant!

Based on the results of a tailored assessment, couples who take the on-line inventory immediately receive a 20-page Couple Checkup Report on their relationship, as well as an extensive discussion guide, to help interpret the results, by using a three-prong strategy:

Discover strengths and issues, plus insight into each other’s perceptions of the relationship…

Share by discussing the results of the checkup in a safe/open environment; focusing on the topics that generate productive conversation…

Grow through practical “couple exercises” which help introduce new skills in communication, assertiveness/listening, working through conflict, and renewed awareness & appreciation for partner uniqueness.

Twenty important relationship topics are explored in the Couple Checkup, based upon a national survey conducted by Life Innovations, collecting responses from over 50,000 married couples. After analyzing the survey results, they were able to identify the top 5 predictors of happy marriages, along with common issues which seem to challenge couples:

Communication

In 76% of marriages, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner were more willing to share his/her feelings.”
69% of couples report, “I sometimes have difficulty asking my partner for what I want.”

Finances

72% of the time, one or both spouses said, “I wish my partner was more careful about spending money.”
A full 71% of couples report, “We have trouble saving money.”

Sex

68% of those surveyed said, “I am dissatisfied with the amount of affection I receive from my partner.”
66% of married couples express concern about “differing levels of sexual interest.”

Parenting

82% of married couples report, “Having children has reduced our marital satisfaction.”
This may be caused in part by the fact that 64% of couples say, “My partner focuses more on the children than on our marriage.”

Personality Issues

87% of couples indicate, “My partner is sometimes too stubborn.”
83% of the time, one or both report, “My partner is too negative or critical.”

Conflict

In 78% of marriages, one or both partners, “go out of their way to avoid conflict.”
77% of couples say, “We have different ideas about the best way to solve our disagreements.”

The Good News: All couples face issues & challenges they need to overcome, and help is available! Just like the trained/certified mechanic you trust your car to for repairs and maintenance, professional counseling is available at Pike Creek Psychological Center, to help couples discuss their issues and challenges, and work through them, using assessment tools like the Couple Checkup, to experience healing and growth.

I encourage couples to take the Couple Checkup, download the report & discussion guide, and invest in keeping their marriage running smooth. And, if necessary, be willing to take the next step by meeting with a trained therapist, who can help interpret your results and facilitate the healing process!

With divorce rates hovering around 50% for first marriages (higher for re-marriage), it makes sense that “preventative maintenance” and regular “checkups” can help keep your relationship fresh, in-tune, and “revved up” for the road ahead.

Winter Blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder? By Pam LaPorte

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 18:03:00 GMT

Now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays is over, do you find yourself feeling a little more down or “blue?” If so, you are not alone. After the anticipation and excitement of the holiday season comes to an end, many often feel a sense of let down and experience what is often referred to as the “winter blues.”

It is not uncommon, especially for those of us living in colder winter climates to feel sad after the holidays. This feeling is often not a cause for concern. It is normal to have some days when you feel down. However, if this feeling persists, and you experience other symptoms such as hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, increased need for sleep, appetite change (especially craving foods high in carbohydrates), weight gain and withdrawal from social activities you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Symptoms of SAD usually begin in late fall or early winter. In many, this is due to the reduced amount of sunlight in fall and winter which may disrupt the body’s internal clock that lets us know when we should sleep or be awake. This decrease in exposure to sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin levels leading to depression. Serotonin is a brain chemical that also affects mood.

Another factor to consider with SAD is a possible drop in melatonin levels. Melatonin is a natural hormone that can affect sleep patterns and moods.

So, what are your options if you are experiencing these symptoms? If your symptoms are severe, it is very important to report them to your physician. Often, medication is necessary and has proven helpful in treating SAD.

Psychotherapy has also proven beneficial in treating the symptoms of SAD. Talking to a professional who understands the changes in mood and behavior associated with SAD can help you identify and change thoughts and behaviors that may be making you feel worse. You can also learn coping skills and ways of managing stress.

Light therapy has also proven helpful for some suffering from symptoms of SAD. Light therapy boxes are used to simulate outdoor light and may help to cause a change in the brain chemicals mentioned above. Many retailers sell light boxes, however, it is important to research these as the quality of these devices varies.

Other ideas include making your home/work environment as bright as possible. Also, try and spend time outside in the direct sunlight – even a fifteen minute walk in the sun at lunchtime can be beneficial. Speaking of walking, any type of physical activity and exercise helps to reduce the symptoms of SAD.

Lastly, remember to have fun and do things that you enjoy! If you are able, the winter months are a great time to take a vacation – get away to a warm sunny climate! If you can’t get away, then think about having a summer-themed party!

When you are feeling down, it can be difficult to be social, but try and make the effort to connect with people even if you don’t feel like it. One of the most effective and powerful ways to relieve our own suffering is by reaching out to, and serving, others.

10 Ways to Put the Joy Back in Your Holiday by Tisha Smith, LPCMH

Sat, 04 Dec 2010 00:37:00 GMT

My mother -in-law has arrived for this holiday season. My defenses are up and she hasn’t even done anything yet. However, you and I know, it’s only a matter of time before she’s muscling her way into my kitchen, wincing at my onion chopping technique and shuddering as I make gravy from a packet. I wonder how long it will be before she arranges my pantry. I am writing this article on my laptop in the hall closet.

As Christmas approaches each year, I begin hearing clients’ tales of past disappointing holidays and resulting resentments and fears about the upcoming family gathering. Most of the themes involve poor relationships, differing values or inappropriate behaviors. “I hate my mother-in-law.” “Uncle Bob will be drunk and embarrass everyone.” “My nephew will spend the whole day staring at his iphone.” “This is the first Christmas since Grandma died and everyone will be miserable.” “I hope the police aren’t called to the neighborhood this year.”

Christmastime can be stressful or relaxing, depending on the choices you make and the attitudes you adopt. Remember that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birth and a reminder of his teachings.

Here are 10 old teachings you could embrace over the holiday season.

1. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Hebrews 12: 14-15 “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy: without holiness no one will see the Lord”.

Weigh up what it would cost you to agree that, yes, of course the bacon should be placed that way on the ham, rather than your way.
You may flatter your family member by saying: “What a great idea, I hadn’t thought of that.”
You should not be a pushover- nor is it worth fighting about which way the onions should be chopped.

2. PLAN AHEAD. Proverbs 6:6, “ Go to the ant, consider its ways and be wise, it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.”

The key to cordial relations is to plan the big day. If you are entertaining, make sure there’s structure by factoring in games that will appeal across all age groups. A walk may sound old fashioned, but it’s a great refresher when everyone has been sitting in close proximity, watching yet another re-run of “The Christmas Story.”
Think ahead about potential problems and politely lay out healthy boundaries so relatives know what to expect of you and each other. You might decide to book a hotel room, state how long you will be staying with family, or choose what activities you might like to participate in. Before Grandpa Joe lights up, you might consider saying in a joyful voice, “Please no smoking in the house this year.”

3. DON’T HIT THE BOTTLE. Ephesians 5:18 “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.”

There is something about family’s arrival that has us madly rummaging for the corkscrew. Yet if relationships are already strained, alcohol can exacerbate tensions. In some homes alcohol is a part of Christmas, but balance it with plenty of water and food. Coffee is another substance that can make an edgy person more edgy.
Remember quality is better than quantity when it comes to a drink at Christmas.

4. DON’T TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY. Proverbs 19:11 “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”

If your Aunt Beverly gets you a size XXL night gown or your Cousin Mark wraps up a book on parenting, try not to read in hidden messages. They are simply gifts, and quite possibly ones they just happened to have in their gift closet anyway.
Just say thank you and move on. Dwelling on potential insults from family will surely ruin your holiday.

5. AVOID CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS. Proverbs 20:19 “A gossip betrays a confidence, so avoid a man who talks too much.”

Be very careful about stating your opinions to family members or giving advice. If you know that little Ray has just gotten out of jail, don’t bring this up during your holiday meal.
Some family members love to start trouble and will always land on a topic that will cause strife. If this happens, do not engage, and have a re-direction ready.
Please be especially careful not to talk badly about others. It never leads to a good place.

6. ALWAYS PRAY BEFORE YOUR MEAL. Matthew 26:26 “ While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, “Take and eat, this is my body.”

Even if all your family are not used to prayer, I suggest you say one. Perhaps have one written up beforehand so you won’t feel uncomfortable. In addition to thanking God for sending his Son to save us, the prayer can also be used to set the stage for the rest of the day. Pray for love, peace, joy, kindness, and respect to be shown between family members. They won’t know what hit ‘em.

7. BE KIND AND GRACIOUS. Psalm 112:5 “A good man deals graciously and lends: He will guide his affairs with discretion.”

Sometimes the hardest thing to do when you feel overwhelmed and stressed is to be kind and gracious to others, especially the others whom you believe cause the stress.
Adopt a new mantra for the holiday season. Whenever you feel yourself becoming annoyed, take a deep breath and repeat to yourself several times, “I am kind and gracious, I am kind and gracious.” Keep repeating this until your anger diminishes or you lock yourself in the closet because it’s not working and you really just need a break.

8. TAKE A BREAK. Genesis 2:1-3 “By the seventh day God completed His work which He had done.”

It is important during your holiday visits to take small breaks away from family. This might look like you stepping into the bathroom and locking the door for a 15-minute breather or you and your own family unit getting out of the crowd and doing something special.
It is important that each day you are with your family you have at least 15 minutes away from them for rejuvenation or prayer.

9. REMEMBER THAT “ THEY” WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Ecclesiastes 3:1 “There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven.”

Once the family gathering is over, you will be able to take off that halo and laugh about the foibles. That’s when the fun really starts. Live in the moment and enjoy this season, for it will end.
Remember, you can really do just about anything for a few days.

10. NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. 1 Timothy 3:16 “Beyond all question, the mystery of godliness is great: He appeared in a body, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, was taken up in glory.”

What Jesus really desires from us is that we love, embrace and serve one another in His name. This is the opposite of indulgence and selfishness. Protect yourself from the tendency to think of self-pleasures by keeping at your forefront the idea that Christmastime is more than an opportunity to stretch your tolerance for others. It is also a great opportunity to love and celebrate Jesus’ life through the people in your life. There may be no one who needs the love of Jesus more than old Aunt Agnes down at the end of the table.

Have a Blessed Christmas!!!!

(Now stepping out of hall closet with a smile)

Dealing with Grief and Loss by Dr. Richard Holmes

Fri, 19 Nov 2010 01:02:00 GMT

Dealing with grief and loss is a common experience that all of us experience in the course of our lives. It has been quoted that 4% of children between the ages of 5 and 16 have experienced the death of a parent or sibling; 6% of children between the ages of 5 and 16 have experienced the death of a close family friend; and 13% of children between the ages of 5 and 16 have experienced the loss of a grandparent. Grief is most commonly referred to in terms of death but individuals can also experience loss over life-altering events, such as divorce, losing a job, relocating, or losing friendships.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief impacts each individual differently. It has been suggested in the research literature that intense grieving lasts from three months to a year, but many people continue experiencing profound grief for two years or more. The response that people receive from others may sometimes cause them to feel there is something wrong with them or they are behaving abnormally. This is frequently not the case. The grieving process depends on the individual's belief system, religion, life experiences, and the type of loss suffered. Prolonged bereavement is not unusual. Many people find solace in seeking out other grievers or trusted friends

I recently attended a Delaware Psychological Association conference by Robert Niemeyer, Ph.D., where the difference between normal grief and complicated grief was explored. Here are a few highlights.

Normal grief:

a. There are conflicting emotions but the death is gradually accepted.

b. Negative or bittersweet emotions exist but are changeable.

c. Bereaved is able to form a balanced picture of the deceased with positives and negatives.

d. Future interests or pursuits can be formulated.

e. Life goals can be redefined.

Complicated grief:

a. Intrusive thoughts about the deceased

b. Preoccupation with specifics of the death

c. Withdrawal, isolation, and excessive loneliness

d. Caregiver perpetual self-blame

e. Feelings of numbness and disbelief

If you find yourself dealing with the emotional symptoms of grief, including irritability, depression, anxiety, distraction, preoccupation, and passive resignation, or physical symptoms, including low energy or exhaustion, headaches, upset stomach, or sleeping excessively, it is important to take care of yourself during this period of bereavement by maintaining a proper diet, exercise and rest. Taking care of your body can help heal the rest of you, even if you do not feel inclined to do so. If you continue to suffer, please give the office a call to set up an appointment with a therapist who can help you navigate your feelings of loss or grief.

The Power in Forgiveness by Laurie Denham, L.P.C.

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:09:00 GMT

“The moment when you understand, compassion is born in your hearts. Now it is possible for you to forgive; not a moment before that.” The intensity of our pain may prevent us from expressing compassion for the one who has caused the pain. Our pain becomes a stumbling block, and then it becomes difficult to move forward. Perhaps, if we can step into the shoes of the one responsible for the pain we can then begin to understand the question, “Why”?. What about a parent who was physically abused for most of their childhood only to grow up and become an abuser themselves? Can we forgive? If for a moment, we step into the tattered shoes of the parent (abused child), we may be able to understand that this parent is a product of his or her environment. As we look through the eyes of the abused parent, we may see what he or she has experienced most of their lives. To express understanding doesn’t mean we think something is acceptable. Rather, it creates compassion in our hearts. In that very moment, we can begin the journey on the road to forgiveness. As long as we continue to hold onto the pain caused by the unfairness of life, we can never move forward and become emotionally healthy adults.

Within our ability to “understand” we can change how we feel on the inside, perhaps decreasing our sadness and sense of low self-worth. Many of us are afraid that if we have compassion for the one who has caused our pain we will somehow validate that person’s behavior. Not true! It’s not about agreeing with the behavior or condoning it. Forgiving this person provides us with freedom. This person may not deserve to be forgiven, but we deserve to be free! This is not easy to do, but it is worth it.

God gives us the power to forgive and forgiveness gives us the power to let go. Forgiveness is a journey that begins with a decision. It is a process that takes patience and time. Forgiveness requires great strength, and we cannot attain such without the power of God. Unfortunately the value of forgiveness is only learned through the experience of heartbreak. Once our forgiveness journey has been traveled, we still remember…but, with a different emotion. Many people spend their entire lives holding on to anger, resentment and bitterness. Holding onto these negative emotions can be poisonous, becoming extremely unhealthy and unproductive. As a child of God we can forgive and thus be free!

Ways to Build a Stronger, Healthier Marriage by Ken Williams, L.P.C.

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 15:15:00 GMT

As a therapist, I often have the opportunity to meet with couples working to strengthen their marriage relationships. Sometimes we stumble upon “relationship road blocks” that I think can challenge even the best of marriages. Here are some ways couples can improve their marriages and achieve greater marital fulfillment. Practicing the following guidelines may help make a good marriage even better.

Learn to speak your spouse's love language. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages describes five basic ways men and women seek to experience love and affection. These expressions of love include using words of affirmation, having quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Most of us have a dominant love language we prefer which is often complimented by one or more of the other love language styles. Discovering and speaking your spouse's love language helps foster deeper ways of connecting and relationship satisfaction.

Make a commitment to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. Resolving conflict successfully means that you remain emotionally connected with your spouse when all is said and done. We stay emotionally connected when we are careful to listen and validate the other person's thoughts and feelings. This is more likely to happen when one seeks a win- win solution rather than a win-lose or lose-lose approach. A win-win conflict moment occurs when husbands and wives commit to demonstrating mutual respect, self control, patience, gentleness and forgiveness . Avoid the “words will never hurt me” myth. Making efforts to speak words of encouragement, kindness, affirmation, and love will foster wonderful relationship growth. Speaking in this manner will build your spouse up rather than tearing him down.

Take time to understand the needs of your spouse and discover the joy of tending to her. Willard F. Harley Jr describes in his book, His Needs Her Needs the importance of learning to meet the needs of your spouse. He describes each person having a love tank that is kept full when one's needs are fulfilled in the marriage relationship. Each spouse seeks to make deposits into the other person's love tank recognizing the value of this process. A love tank left empty threatens the marriage relationship. Harley continues by identifying some of the needs husbands and wives have. Her needs include: affection, conversation, honesty, security, family commitment. His needs include: respect, companionship, household support, and being sexually fulfilled. I think that these needs can apply to either spouse in the marriage. The most important thing to remember is that it's okay to have honest and respectful conversation about one's needs and how to fulfill them. Once we know what our spouse's needs are, we can be creative and have fun meeting those needs.

Seek out supports for your marriage that will help the relationship grow and stay on track. Attend a marriage conference weekend with your spouse or go to a study series on marriage building at a local church. Ask a married couple you respect to encourage and support your marriage by praying for you and checking in with you on how things are going.

Finally, remember to pray with your spouse. Go to God with your concerns, because He created marriage and can restore it to a place of health and stability. Ask Him to show us what we need to do to make things better, to teach us how to love and meet our spouse's needs and to heal deep wounds from the past. God is able to give marriages a fresh start and can breathe life into any hurting relationship.