Am I demonstrating self-regulation? Am I modeling the behaviors I want my children to copy? Am I controlling my anger? How am I handling my anxiety? If I have a short fuse because I am stressed or depressed, am I finding help for myself to enhance my own self-regulation?

            Am I setting appropriate limits for my children? Just as God does not want to see us stray from what is right, and gives us guidance in the Bible to help us follow the right path, loving parents set limits for their children. It is often difficult to do this in a society that seems to have no boundaries, but, as loving parents, we must set limits for our children and their behaviors; we must stand up for our values, and we must carry out appropriate consequences for our children’s inappropriate behaviors.

Am I communicating love and respect and empathy for our children? If we think of childhood as a period of extended practice, we can imagine that it takes repeated practice and repeated mistakes for children to finally figure out what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to do things correctly. Am I remembering to “catch our children being good?” Am I noticing when they behave appropriately and telling them that I notice?

Am I giving my children the time and positive attention they need, so that they do not have to settle for “soggy chips” but, instead, get the positive attention that all of us wish for? Am I noticing the things that they do right, instead of constantly nagging them about what they did not do or did not complete the way we expected them to?

Am I practicing forgiveness—of my children, of my spouse, of myself? Just as God forgives us when we ask Him, am I practicing forgiveness in my family?  It is inevitable that, as parents, we are going to make mistakes. Many times we will mis-read what our children are trying to communicate to us through their behaviors. Am I going to recognize that I will “miss the mark” throughout the day, ask God for forgiveness, and then—far more difficult—forgive myself and family members?

Am I loving the child I have right here, right now, in front of me at this moment—not the fantasized image of the infant we thought we were getting before our baby was born or the child we used to have who has now become defiant and uncooperative? It is very hard to demonstrate love for children when they seem unlovable—the screaming inconsolable infant, the toddler in mid-tantrum, the door-slamming teenager—but this is when they need our love the most. We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviors, and we must set limits. However, loving a seemingly unlovable child is one of the most difficult challenges of parenting. It is also one of the most important things we must do as parents.

Do I remember that when my children mess up the most, they need my love and support the most?  When I am at my worst, I need God’s love the most, and it is the same for my children. When they are their worst selves, they most need our love. They are going to mess up sometimes, and when they do, we need to be there for them—to understand, to guide, to correct, to set limits, to teach, sometimes to punish, to empathize, to forgive, and then to welcome them back into our warm and loving embrace, just as God welcomes us back into His warm, loving and everlasting care. 

We can think of our children’s behavior as a form of communication. When our child is happy and cooperative, it is not difficult to interpret the hugs, smiles, and willingness to do what we as parents request. However, our child’s seeming mis-behavior has meaning, too, and it is sometimes more challenging to understand the underlying causes of such behaviors. Behaviors that we parents might attribute to misbehavior may have other meanings. The psychologist, V.M. Durand, Ph.D., has provided several categories of children’s behavior that can help us understand what our child’s behavior might be telling us (Durand, V.M., Sleep Better, pages 176-178). Using his categories, as well as adding some of my own, I will offer my interpretation of each.

            Regulatory Issues: All of us—infants, children and adults—need to develop and refine self-regulation skills; however, from infancy onward, some children find self-regulation to be overwhelmingly challenging. Although it is the infant’s and growing child’s (and teenager’s) job to learn to regulate his/her behavior, it is our job as parents to regulate our own behavior and then help our child learn self-regulation skills. The first way to help them learn is to set the example with our own self-regulation. Second, we can help by “recognizing the teachable moment” and helping them develop better strategies for dealing with stress and frustration.  This is not as easy as it might sound. The middle of a child’s tantrum, when the child is completely dys-regulated, or when a teenager is slamming doors, for example, is not the time to teach better coping skills. Wait for a calmer time, then teach—not condemn.

Sensory Integration Issues: Some children find certain sensory experiences, such as the feeling of certain fabrics next to their skin to be aversive and stressful. They might make a fuss about wearing certain articles of clothing, shirt labels might irritate them, and experiences, such as playing in sand, might be unpleasant for them.  Conversely, they might crave sensory input and show this by constantly seeking sensory experiences such as seeming to be constantly in motion or needing to have little toys in their hands with which to fidget. Unfortunately, sometimes parents and other adults attribute these characteristics to misbehavior instead of addressing what is frustrating to the child or what is helping the child self-regulate.

            Attention Seeking Behaviors: We’ve all heard the story about “soggy potato chips.” If we have the “munchies” and are craving fresh, crispy chips, but all we can find is the almost-empty bag of chips at the back of the pantry, we will settle for those instead of waiting for a bag of fresh chips or forgoing chips altogether. In an analogous way, children will do the same in terms of attention seeking. Of course, they would much prefer our attention for what they are doing correctly and having our full attention focused on what they are telling us or showing us. But if they cannot get the positive attention they crave from us parents, they will settle for “soggy chips,” and engage in misbehavior, assuming (although they are most likely not aware of such an assumption) that even negative attention from parents is better than none at all.

            Escape from Attention: Some children are easily stressed by the commotion of everyday family or school life. They become “flooded” and overwhelmed, and we can see their behavior start to escalate and start to get out of control.  These children are not trying to be “naughty;” they simply cannot tolerate the level of activity in their environment at that moment, which is getting them revved up. At home, we can provide them with a calming place away from bright light, to go for rest and to self-regulate, with pillows, some books, maybe some soothing music and a soft, cuddly stuffed animal. This is not a punishment or “time out” for misbehavior. Rather, it is a place where we can direct the child before he or she becomes flooded and “loses it” by having a tantrum or an outburst.

            Escape from Demands: Sometimes when children seem uncooperative about doing what we have asked, it is because they are afraid they cannot do the task, such as homework. They don’t know how to start or how to complete the assignment, so they just don’t do it or they make a fuss about doing it. Dr. Durand gives the example of a child not wanting to brush his teeth, and reminds us that the parent must ensure that the child completes these tasks. At times like this, a positive behavior chart, which you can find for free on the internet, can be helpful.

“I want that!”  I have read that there are researchers who spend hours observing shoppers in order to find the best placement for products in the store. It is no surprise, then, that when we get to the checkout counter, the candies and gum and magazines are right there, at eye-level for us and our child who is sitting in the grocery cart.  Or our teenager wants the latest electronic gadget that has come on the market, whether or not it is age-appropriate or affordable.  Or our children want video games or to see movies that are not appropriate. It is our job as parents to decide what is appropriate to give our children and what is not, and when things should be given. Of course, when we say no, a child will very often push back against that limit. But that cannot stop us from doing what we know is right and firmly, but lovingly, setting limits. 

Discover New Life in Broken Relationships

Let’s face it, healthy relationships don't happen by accident.  Relationships require hard work and commitment.  I often compare relationships to gardening.   If you have ever tried to grow something, you know that you just can’t plop a seed into the ground and walk away hoping for the best.  I've tried this and it doesn't work.  Whether you’re growing vegetables or flowers, careful attention is required for the best chances for the gardener to enjoy the “fruits of his labor.” 

The same is true for healthy relationships. We often experience growth and life in our relationships when we pay attention to our needs.  A garden will quickly become unmanageable, weed infested, and barren without the Gardener's touch and care, and so goes our relationships. As I reflect upon the important people in my life, these are some of the “tools” I plan to use to keep my relationships strong and healthy in the new year:

1. Smile:  Make efforts to demonstrate emotional warmth to loved ones. Tend to anything that may threaten efforts to show kindness and affection verbally or physically.  Common threats include stress, irritability, anxiety, and unresolved hurts and emotional injuries.
2. Filter:  Commit to stating the positive and filter out everything else. Avoid using negative or hurtful words. It's just not worth it. 
3. Letting Go:  Let go of past resentments and break the blame cycle. Seek to reconcile broken relationships by offering apology and forgiveness. Let go of pride, anger, fear, anxiety or anything else that stands in the way of restoring relationships.
4. Be Flexible:  Resist “have to”, “should” and “must” thinking.  Give yourself permission to experience the good in your relationships even when things are not going your way.
5. Affirm:  Tell others how much you care and love them.  Make it a priority to compliment and build up your loved ones.   Discover how offering genuine affirming words builds relationship intimacy and connection.  Do this often.
6. Be Available:  Make time for friends and family.  Be present emotionally and physically.  By showing up in the lives of others, you’re communicating how much you value your loved ones. 

Finally, seek out ways to experience and express:

            Love

            Kindness

            Service

            Encouragement

            Patience

            Gratitude

            Esteeming one another

These are some of the ingredients that help restore broken relationships and keep relationships alive and thriving.  If you are intentional in plugging these things into your relationships, I believe meaningful connection, trust, and intimacy will occur.  Also, remember that God can make all things new, and can breathe life into our dying and hurting relationships.  He created us to be in relationship with each other and with Him and can teach us how to truly love and care for each other.  Don’t be afraid to ask God to change your heart and to show you how to make your relationships stronger. 

Have you ever experienced a disagreement within yourself?  You may feel like you are moving in two opposite directions at the same time or having two opposing feelings. Common examples of this include advancing in your job, while longing for a different kind of life or loving your family, but also feeling angry with them. Or you may feel ashamed of part of yourself and you work to keep it a secret, because it seems at odds with your sense of self.  An example of this could be developing a relationship with your partner, while secretly feeling attracted to another person.

This kind of internal conflict—experiencing two seemingly opposite emotions, thoughts, or behaviors—creates distress.  This can cause anxiety, depression, or emotional pain that can translate into problems at work or home and in your relationships with your loved ones. You might notice that when you try to silence or deny part of yourself you end up feeling irritable, tired, or argumentative.

If you experience this kind of internal conflict, I want you to know that there is help.

Modern psychology recognizes how painful internal conflict can be for an individual, but far before the birth of modern psychology, ancient scriptures discussed these issues. Psychology recommends the same things that we’ve heard from God since the beginning: come out into the light, receive grace and love, and experience new and transformative life.  It is through relationships that we heal.

We often hide ourselves because we fear condemnation or invalidation, but Jesus offers grace and new life through his resurrection.  He says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).  And Paul wrote:

“Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Romans 8:34-39)

If you feel divided against yourself and in need of clarity, freedom, and renewal, I encourage you to share your story with someone who is safe and supportive. By talking about it, in the presence of another person who offers grace and mercy, you can begin to sort through the issues, receive rest and healing, and gain a sense of strength and freedom. What is more, when we do this with each other we fulfill God’s call for us to love one another as he has loved us (John 13:34).  If you’re feeling nervous about sharing or you want the help of a professional, please call Pike Creek Psychological Center. We would be happy to listen to your story, offer grace, and work with you to form an integrated and renewed life.

            I hear a lot of disparaging remarks about teens in general, and teen use of hand-held technology in particular. “Teens these days don’t even know how to communicate without texting or Facebook.” What’s a parent to do? How can we get our teen’s attention?

            One way to encourage relationship and conversation, ironically, is to hang up and be present. What percentage of the time do we greet our teens (or spouse or other family members) while engaged in a cell phone call? No one appreciates that. Cashiers, receptionists, and other professionals make it clear that customers on cell phones are a rude annoyance. How much more negative the message we send when we greet our teen while engaged in a call? When we arrive home from work, walk in the door, or pick our student up at school while paying attention to whomever is on the other end of the line, we send a strong signal: “This call is more important than you.” We may silently mouth to the teen right in front of us, “I’ll be off in a minute...,” but his or her place in the pecking order of our life has been clearly communicated.

            If you think you might be on a call as you walk in the front door, consider delaying your entrance until you can finish the call or text. If you are spending time with your teen, say out at a restaurant at a ball game, turn the thing off for an hour; go ahead and remove the earpiece too. What signal will this send to your teen? “You are my priority.” Think through the instances when you would turn your phone off--is your teen any less important than that wedding, meeting, or concert? Take this time to be the example of healthy functioning in a relationship. Even if your teen does not disconnect his or her device, give your undivided attention, your eye contact, and by hanging up, your love.   

As a counselor who specializes in counseling teenagers and young adults, there are several ideas that could be useful to either teenagers or their parents when considering the option of therapy.

For teens:

One of the first things to consider is some of the typical signs of depression or anxiety that might show up in teens or young adults. This is a not a comprehensive symptom list, but answering yes to some of these questions might shed light on your emotional need to receive therapy. Ask yourself:  

• Am I having a hard time enjoying things that I typically might enjoy?
• Have my sleep habits changed? Am I sleeping more frequently or having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep at night?
• Am I agitated or distracted? Is this even affecting my grades in school or my performance/attention at a job or extracurricular activity that I don’t typically have trouble focusing on?
• Am I eating more than I should or not as much as I should?
• Am I often feeling sad or crying more than I usually do?
• Do I feel the desire to hole-up and spend time by myself when I typically might enjoy the company of others?
• Am I “tied up in knots” inside and frequently feeling anxious?
• Am I having panic attacks or feeling frequently overwhelmed?
• Do things put me “on edge” that didn’t used to? Are there social, academic or family situations that I fear?
• Am I just having a hard time liking myself or even wanting to treat myself well?

For parents:

Evaluating your teenager for the above symptoms is definitely important for parents, but undoubtedly the most useful idea that I would share with the parent of a teenager is readiness. Readiness is the idea that your teenager is ready to talk to someone about the things they are struggling with. A parent might feel that a teenager exhibits many of symptoms above, and she might be deeply concerned for her teen; however, if a parent forces her child to come to therapy, the process is often unproductive. I have met with many teens that are unresponsive or even resistant to the therapy process simply because they felt forced to come. A parent can measure the readiness of his teen or young adult by asking questions like these:

• I’m concerned about you lately and wonder if you would feel more comfortable talking to someone other than me (or other support people)?
• Would you be open to the idea of talking to a person who understands the kinds of issues you’re dealing with?
• Would you be willing to give counseling a shot by attending one session to see if it might be helpful?

Many teens are surprised by the usefulness of therapy at improving their daily functioning, reducing their symptoms and raising their overall contentment level. Teens assessing the seriousness of their own symptoms and parents considering their teen’s readiness can help to lay the groundwork for a productive therapy process.

The summer is a great time for children to relax and enjoy being children, but it can be a problematic time for parents whose children have special needs. Many parents in Delaware rely on summer camps to entertain and supervise their children during the summer.  Finding a summer camp that is a good fit for your child becomes a difficult experience if your child struggles in traditional camp settings due to being overlooked, bullied, or unable to manage anger effectively. Also, the summer is an ideal time to find ways to give extra help to your child if he or she is diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Asperger’s disorder, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or has other special needs that affect his or her quality of life.

Valley Day Camp, a non-profit camp for children ages 6 – 12 years, is an exciting summer option that promotes emotional, behavioral, and social growth. The camp is recreational, fun, and offers traditional summer camp activities. What makes this camp unique is that specialized programming is built into the daily activities to provide opportunities for growth in friendship skills, learning about feelings, communication and assertiveness, behavior management/self control, anger management, self worth, and self-confidence.

A low camper to staff ratio and well-trained camp counselors who have experience in mental health and education provide an exciting, safe, structured, and enjoyable atmosphere for your child. The staff not only uses planned times for teaching skills, but the recreational atmosphere provides opportunities for staff to coach children throughout the day in practicing the skills they are learning. VDC also provides resources and support for parents.

VDC includes field trips, fun specials, themed weeks, and various types of special therapies such as art therapy, pony therapy, pet therapy, photography, and drama therapy.

For more information, check out Valley Day Camp’s website, www.valleydaycamp.org, or call 302-559-3443.

Valley Day Camp is a program of a non-profit organization (Development & Research Innovations) that was founded by three psychologists from PCPC (Kim Champion, JD Willetts, and Judi Willetts) and an elementary school teacher (Chris Champion) to provide services that fill gaps in the community.

I need to ask you:

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Why can’t penguins fly? They’re too short to be pilots.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

Hopefully you feel better already…What’s funny about all this is that laughter really IS good for you. Here are some things that happen to you when you laugh:

-       Your body releases endorphins. Endorphins are chemicals that reduce pain and increase happy feelings.

-       Your body reduces stress hormones (you feel less stressed-out).

-       Your body boosts immune function.

-       Your muscles relax.

-       Oxygen levels in your body increase (good for stress relief).

The combination of all those things has the effect, at least temporarily, of feeling better- emotionally and physically.

Hey, even thinking about watching a funny movie before you watch it, starts the benefits (research by Berk at Loma Linda University 2006 noted this).

Not only that- at the workplace, folks who are having fun tend to be more creative, productive, get along better with others, have less absenteeism than those who are serious all the time, according to a study done by Abrams at California State University- Long Beach.

So, how about a good pun or a silly movie? And what I really want to know is:

How can you tell if an elephant’s been in the refrigerator?

Resources: http://Micro.magnet.fsu.edu, www.workplaceissues.com, www.holisticonline.com, 
www.jokesclean.com, www.corsinet.com

Now that the hustle and bustle of the holidays is over, do you find yourself feeling a little more down or “blue?”  If so, you are not alone.  After the anticipation and excitement of the holiday season comes to an end, many often feel a sense of let down and experience what is often referred to as the “winter blues.”

It is not uncommon, especially for those of us living in colder winter climates to feel sad after the holidays.  This feeling is often not a cause for concern.  It is normal to have some days when you feel down.  However, if this feeling persists, and you experience other symptoms such as hopelessness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, increased need for sleep, appetite change (especially craving foods high in carbohydrates), weight gain and withdrawal from social activities you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Symptoms of SAD usually begin in late fall or early winter.  In many, this is due to the reduced amount of sunlight in fall and winter which may disrupt the body’s internal clock that lets us know when we should sleep or be awake.  This decrease in exposure to sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin levels leading to depression.  Serotonin is a brain chemical that also affects mood.

Another factor to consider with SAD is a possible drop in melatonin levels.  Melatonin is a natural hormone that can affect sleep patterns and moods.

So, what are your options if you are experiencing these symptoms?  If your symptoms are severe, it is very important to report them to your physician.  Often, medication is necessary and has proven helpful in treating SAD.

Psychotherapy has also proven beneficial in treating the symptoms of SAD.  Talking to a professional who understands the changes in mood and behavior associated with SAD can help you identify and change thoughts and behaviors that may be making you feel worse.  You can also learn coping skills and ways of managing stress.

Light therapy has also proven helpful for some suffering from symptoms of SAD.  Light therapy boxes are used to simulate outdoor light and may help to cause a change in the brain chemicals mentioned above.  Many retailers sell light boxes, however, it is important to research these as the quality of these devices varies.

Other ideas include making your home/work environment as bright as possible.  Also, try and spend time outside in the direct sunlight – even a fifteen minute walk in the sun at lunchtime can be beneficial.  Speaking of walking, any type of physical activity and exercise helps to reduce the symptoms of SAD.

Lastly, remember to have fun and do things that you enjoy!  If you are able, the winter months are a great time to take a vacation – get away to a warm sunny climate!  If you can’t get away, then think about having a summer-themed party!

When you are feeling down, it can be difficult to be social, but try and make the effort to connect with people even if you don’t feel like it.  One of the most effective and powerful ways to relieve our own suffering is by reaching out to, and serving, others.