Am I demonstrating self-regulation? Am I modeling the behaviors I want my children to copy? Am I controlling my anger? How am I handling my anxiety? If I have a short fuse because I am stressed or depressed, am I finding help for myself to enhance my own self-regulation?

            Am I setting appropriate limits for my children? Just as God does not want to see us stray from what is right, and gives us guidance in the Bible to help us follow the right path, loving parents set limits for their children. It is often difficult to do this in a society that seems to have no boundaries, but, as loving parents, we must set limits for our children and their behaviors; we must stand up for our values, and we must carry out appropriate consequences for our children’s inappropriate behaviors.

Am I communicating love and respect and empathy for our children? If we think of childhood as a period of extended practice, we can imagine that it takes repeated practice and repeated mistakes for children to finally figure out what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to do things correctly. Am I remembering to “catch our children being good?” Am I noticing when they behave appropriately and telling them that I notice?

Am I giving my children the time and positive attention they need, so that they do not have to settle for “soggy chips” but, instead, get the positive attention that all of us wish for? Am I noticing the things that they do right, instead of constantly nagging them about what they did not do or did not complete the way we expected them to?

Am I practicing forgiveness—of my children, of my spouse, of myself? Just as God forgives us when we ask Him, am I practicing forgiveness in my family?  It is inevitable that, as parents, we are going to make mistakes. Many times we will mis-read what our children are trying to communicate to us through their behaviors. Am I going to recognize that I will “miss the mark” throughout the day, ask God for forgiveness, and then—far more difficult—forgive myself and family members?

Am I loving the child I have right here, right now, in front of me at this moment—not the fantasized image of the infant we thought we were getting before our baby was born or the child we used to have who has now become defiant and uncooperative? It is very hard to demonstrate love for children when they seem unlovable—the screaming inconsolable infant, the toddler in mid-tantrum, the door-slamming teenager—but this is when they need our love the most. We do not have to tolerate unacceptable behaviors, and we must set limits. However, loving a seemingly unlovable child is one of the most difficult challenges of parenting. It is also one of the most important things we must do as parents.

Do I remember that when my children mess up the most, they need my love and support the most?  When I am at my worst, I need God’s love the most, and it is the same for my children. When they are their worst selves, they most need our love. They are going to mess up sometimes, and when they do, we need to be there for them—to understand, to guide, to correct, to set limits, to teach, sometimes to punish, to empathize, to forgive, and then to welcome them back into our warm and loving embrace, just as God welcomes us back into His warm, loving and everlasting care. 

We can think of our children’s behavior as a form of communication. When our child is happy and cooperative, it is not difficult to interpret the hugs, smiles, and willingness to do what we as parents request. However, our child’s seeming mis-behavior has meaning, too, and it is sometimes more challenging to understand the underlying causes of such behaviors. Behaviors that we parents might attribute to misbehavior may have other meanings. The psychologist, V.M. Durand, Ph.D., has provided several categories of children’s behavior that can help us understand what our child’s behavior might be telling us (Durand, V.M., Sleep Better, pages 176-178). Using his categories, as well as adding some of my own, I will offer my interpretation of each.

            Regulatory Issues: All of us—infants, children and adults—need to develop and refine self-regulation skills; however, from infancy onward, some children find self-regulation to be overwhelmingly challenging. Although it is the infant’s and growing child’s (and teenager’s) job to learn to regulate his/her behavior, it is our job as parents to regulate our own behavior and then help our child learn self-regulation skills. The first way to help them learn is to set the example with our own self-regulation. Second, we can help by “recognizing the teachable moment” and helping them develop better strategies for dealing with stress and frustration.  This is not as easy as it might sound. The middle of a child’s tantrum, when the child is completely dys-regulated, or when a teenager is slamming doors, for example, is not the time to teach better coping skills. Wait for a calmer time, then teach—not condemn.

Sensory Integration Issues: Some children find certain sensory experiences, such as the feeling of certain fabrics next to their skin to be aversive and stressful. They might make a fuss about wearing certain articles of clothing, shirt labels might irritate them, and experiences, such as playing in sand, might be unpleasant for them.  Conversely, they might crave sensory input and show this by constantly seeking sensory experiences such as seeming to be constantly in motion or needing to have little toys in their hands with which to fidget. Unfortunately, sometimes parents and other adults attribute these characteristics to misbehavior instead of addressing what is frustrating to the child or what is helping the child self-regulate.

            Attention Seeking Behaviors: We’ve all heard the story about “soggy potato chips.” If we have the “munchies” and are craving fresh, crispy chips, but all we can find is the almost-empty bag of chips at the back of the pantry, we will settle for those instead of waiting for a bag of fresh chips or forgoing chips altogether. In an analogous way, children will do the same in terms of attention seeking. Of course, they would much prefer our attention for what they are doing correctly and having our full attention focused on what they are telling us or showing us. But if they cannot get the positive attention they crave from us parents, they will settle for “soggy chips,” and engage in misbehavior, assuming (although they are most likely not aware of such an assumption) that even negative attention from parents is better than none at all.

            Escape from Attention: Some children are easily stressed by the commotion of everyday family or school life. They become “flooded” and overwhelmed, and we can see their behavior start to escalate and start to get out of control.  These children are not trying to be “naughty;” they simply cannot tolerate the level of activity in their environment at that moment, which is getting them revved up. At home, we can provide them with a calming place away from bright light, to go for rest and to self-regulate, with pillows, some books, maybe some soothing music and a soft, cuddly stuffed animal. This is not a punishment or “time out” for misbehavior. Rather, it is a place where we can direct the child before he or she becomes flooded and “loses it” by having a tantrum or an outburst.

            Escape from Demands: Sometimes when children seem uncooperative about doing what we have asked, it is because they are afraid they cannot do the task, such as homework. They don’t know how to start or how to complete the assignment, so they just don’t do it or they make a fuss about doing it. Dr. Durand gives the example of a child not wanting to brush his teeth, and reminds us that the parent must ensure that the child completes these tasks. At times like this, a positive behavior chart, which you can find for free on the internet, can be helpful.

“I want that!”  I have read that there are researchers who spend hours observing shoppers in order to find the best placement for products in the store. It is no surprise, then, that when we get to the checkout counter, the candies and gum and magazines are right there, at eye-level for us and our child who is sitting in the grocery cart.  Or our teenager wants the latest electronic gadget that has come on the market, whether or not it is age-appropriate or affordable.  Or our children want video games or to see movies that are not appropriate. It is our job as parents to decide what is appropriate to give our children and what is not, and when things should be given. Of course, when we say no, a child will very often push back against that limit. But that cannot stop us from doing what we know is right and firmly, but lovingly, setting limits. 

            I hear a lot of disparaging remarks about teens in general, and teen use of hand-held technology in particular. “Teens these days don’t even know how to communicate without texting or Facebook.” What’s a parent to do? How can we get our teen’s attention?

            One way to encourage relationship and conversation, ironically, is to hang up and be present. What percentage of the time do we greet our teens (or spouse or other family members) while engaged in a cell phone call? No one appreciates that. Cashiers, receptionists, and other professionals make it clear that customers on cell phones are a rude annoyance. How much more negative the message we send when we greet our teen while engaged in a call? When we arrive home from work, walk in the door, or pick our student up at school while paying attention to whomever is on the other end of the line, we send a strong signal: “This call is more important than you.” We may silently mouth to the teen right in front of us, “I’ll be off in a minute...,” but his or her place in the pecking order of our life has been clearly communicated.

            If you think you might be on a call as you walk in the front door, consider delaying your entrance until you can finish the call or text. If you are spending time with your teen, say out at a restaurant at a ball game, turn the thing off for an hour; go ahead and remove the earpiece too. What signal will this send to your teen? “You are my priority.” Think through the instances when you would turn your phone off--is your teen any less important than that wedding, meeting, or concert? Take this time to be the example of healthy functioning in a relationship. Even if your teen does not disconnect his or her device, give your undivided attention, your eye contact, and by hanging up, your love.   

As a counselor who specializes in counseling teenagers and young adults, there are several ideas that could be useful to either teenagers or their parents when considering the option of therapy.

For teens:

One of the first things to consider is some of the typical signs of depression or anxiety that might show up in teens or young adults. This is a not a comprehensive symptom list, but answering yes to some of these questions might shed light on your emotional need to receive therapy. Ask yourself:  

• Am I having a hard time enjoying things that I typically might enjoy?
• Have my sleep habits changed? Am I sleeping more frequently or having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep at night?
• Am I agitated or distracted? Is this even affecting my grades in school or my performance/attention at a job or extracurricular activity that I don’t typically have trouble focusing on?
• Am I eating more than I should or not as much as I should?
• Am I often feeling sad or crying more than I usually do?
• Do I feel the desire to hole-up and spend time by myself when I typically might enjoy the company of others?
• Am I “tied up in knots” inside and frequently feeling anxious?
• Am I having panic attacks or feeling frequently overwhelmed?
• Do things put me “on edge” that didn’t used to? Are there social, academic or family situations that I fear?
• Am I just having a hard time liking myself or even wanting to treat myself well?

For parents:

Evaluating your teenager for the above symptoms is definitely important for parents, but undoubtedly the most useful idea that I would share with the parent of a teenager is readiness. Readiness is the idea that your teenager is ready to talk to someone about the things they are struggling with. A parent might feel that a teenager exhibits many of symptoms above, and she might be deeply concerned for her teen; however, if a parent forces her child to come to therapy, the process is often unproductive. I have met with many teens that are unresponsive or even resistant to the therapy process simply because they felt forced to come. A parent can measure the readiness of his teen or young adult by asking questions like these:

• I’m concerned about you lately and wonder if you would feel more comfortable talking to someone other than me (or other support people)?
• Would you be open to the idea of talking to a person who understands the kinds of issues you’re dealing with?
• Would you be willing to give counseling a shot by attending one session to see if it might be helpful?

Many teens are surprised by the usefulness of therapy at improving their daily functioning, reducing their symptoms and raising their overall contentment level. Teens assessing the seriousness of their own symptoms and parents considering their teen’s readiness can help to lay the groundwork for a productive therapy process.

Most Christian parents believe that their goal is to raise successful, happy children who embrace their faith. However, few parents feel that they achieve this.  Young parents report being blindsided by the intense hard work of parenting.  Many parents in the trenches are numbed by the continuous demands. Veteran parents report being plagued by guilt and regret.

I propose we re-state the goal to one that is achievable. That is, we allow God to grow our character as we operate in His strength to actively raise our children. This goal focuses on our own choices and actions. The question changes from, “Am I a successful parent?” to “Am I being a faithful parent?”

In a recent article in Christianity Today, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent,” Leslie Leyland Fields addresses this issue. She states that many Christian parents have bought into the secular idea that we can determine the outcome of others’ behavior by our choices. She coins this “spiritual determinism” based on Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  It is important to remember that the proverbs are probabilities, not promises. King Solomon himself, who wrote this saying, turned his heart from the God of his father, David, at the end of his life. He was negatively influenced by his non-believing wives. This highlights the many influences that shape behavior. The upbringing is a very important contribution, but not the only one.

That said, it is important to develop our faithfulness as parents.  We need to be willing to deal with the problems of our children. Too many parents are reluctant to face burgeoning issues and would rather ignore them in order to keep the kids happy. If we are focused on results, the truth is painful. If we are focused on faithfulness, the truth is helpful. Proverbs 19:18 says, “Discipline your son for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” The word “discipline” means to instruct or correct. The latter phrase is a reference to helping our children avoid destruction. Our children may still make poor choices, but we will know we have been faithful in doing our part in setting limits.

Have you seen the recent commercials with an orange monster named “Hunger” running around tempting people to eat junk food? Similar to unchecked hunger, feelings and emotions like anger, fear, and worry are considered negative.  These feelings can cause a great deal of internal pain as well as lead to difficulties in relationships. You may want to change these feelings, but find it is challenging.

One useful method is the process of thinking of the feeling or emotion as something separate from the self, something to call by its name instead of only experiencing it as a sensation. The concept of the “Hunger” monster is an example of this process. While it may be difficult to tackle the sensation of hunger, it becomes easier to battle an enemy which has a name and can be visualized.  In practical terms, think of an emotion that is difficult to manage. Sit down with a piece of paper and draw what this emotion may look like. Write its name. List all the things that you might feel when the emotion is lurking around, so that you can recognize it.  Then, when you feel that emotion start to emerge, picture the emotion, call it by name, and tell it that you are in charge.  Tell it to stand down and then proceed to intentionally tackle your thinking.  You will have more clarity and more freedom to deal with these difficult feelings.

In a 2003 study by the CDC, approximately 16% of boys and 8% of girls aged 5--17 years had ever had diagnoses of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or learning disabilities (LD), according to parental reports. Boys were three times more likely than girls to have diagnoses of ADHD without LD.  Do I believe that ADHD is overdiagnosed? Absolutely.  However, even with a smaller percentage, these are huge numbers in terms of the children impacted at both home and school.  Boys, in particular, struggle with the traditional academic model of sitting for an extended period of time and trying to absorb mostly verbally presented information.

Over the past ten years, I have seen the use of ADHD stimulant medication skyrocket to help children focus better in the classroom. I have also seen more specific accommodations put in place to help children with learning disabilities.  But, I am not sure that the underlying issue is being addressed that most children tend to learn better when presented material is interactive, experiential, and mult-sensory.  I believe there are many extremely gifted teachers who are limited by having to teach to the standardized tests. This prevents them from being creative.  My personal struggle to find a better way to provide services for children with LD and ADHD led me to join the board of a proposed charter school in Delaware, Gateway Lab School, (www. gatewaylabschool.org) modeled on the principles of The Lab School of Washington founded by Sally L. Smith.

How can parents better understand the many needs of their LD/ADHD children at home and respond differently?  Children with LD/ADHD and related disorders puzzle parents because of their many abilities and disabilities.  It can be difficult to understand how much of their behavior is the nature of the condition and how much is oppositional.  It is all too easy for parents to “catch” a child’s feeling of inadequacy and then feel bad as a parent.  Parenting approaches that include clear, concise instructions; structure without rigidity; nurturing a child’s gifts and interests; and constant approval of positive behavior help parents feel better and help children feel safe.

Parents and teachers of children with learning disabilities can help them by providing clear structuring of time and space. To help children with structuring space, visual aids can be helpful.  For example, shelves can be used instead of drawers so children can see where things belong and how to put them back.  The use of visual cues, such as lists or labels, can augment efforts to help children organize tasks and belongings.  In addition, developing understandable and reinforced routines can help with structuring time.  Breaking routines and other tasks into manageable chunks and communicating what must be done first, next, and last is important.

Children with learning disabilities begin to notice that others can easily do tasks that are intensely difficult for them. As a result of this they begin to feel bad about themselves or have low self-esteem or self-worth.  By training themselves to reinforce the positive as much as possible and offering concrete comments on what their child is doing well, parents will cultivate desired behaviors and boost their children’s self-worth.  Visual, concrete proof of progress also helps children notice and feel confident about their progress and accomplishments.  Homemade certificates, gold stars, stickers, charts, and check lists with lots of checks can be used when children work hard on tasks at home. Tasks to be rewarded can include remembering to take out the garbage, to clean their room, to set the table correctly, to make their beds, and to put the dishes in the dishwasher. 

Children with learning disabilities, ADHD, and related disorders often feel powerless and inadequate.  They tend to be passive learners and need to be totally involved in activities to make them active learners.  Parents can encourage hands-on activities, such as help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, and running errands.  These learning activities have the additional benefit of resulting in tangible, visible products appreciated by the whole family.

If you are frustrated about your child’s behavioral issues at school or increased conflict at home, please make an appointment with one of our therapists to talk about strategies that may be able to help.