Assertiveness

Written by Mitch Ruoff, Psy.D. and published on 21-May-2009.

Have you ever had the experience of thinking your mechanic was taking advantage of you? How about not being able to say no to your teenager, or your boss? Every day we are faced with opportunities to speak up or stay silent, to stand up or back down. What we do with these opportunities often determines how satisfied we are in relationships. Those who stay silent and back down tend to feel taken advantage of, used, and disappointed. On the other hand, those who speak boldly and take an aggressive stand may feel reactive, out of control, and lonely. Fortunately, there is a third option.

Many people think that being assertive means getting whatever one wants or saying no to everyone. While at times these may be part of assertiveness, a more accurate description is being aware of and able to communicate one’s feelings and needs honestly and directly to others. The assertive person makes their own choices and allows others to do the same. They respect these rights in themselves and others:

• The right to structure my own time priorities
• The right to feel and express anger
• The right to make mistakes and be responsible for them
• The right to be myself and feel confident about who I am
• The right to request help and receive information from others
• The right to have privacy and time to myself
• The right to express my needs, opinions, ideas, thoughts, and feelings
• The right to be treated with respect

If assertiveness is a struggle for you, there are ways to change. First, practice paying attention to how you feel. If you feel angry, then ask yourself, "Is someone taking advantage of me or am I just not getting my way?" When feeling guilty, ask, "Have I done something wrong?" If feeling trapped, ask, "What are my options?" Answering honestly will help you assess your needs. Then you will be in a position to either try to get your need met or decide it isn’t that important.