Better Arguing

Written by Mitch Ruoff, Psy.D. and published on 21-May-2009.

Anger often interferes with healthy functioning in relationships. The problem is not the anger itself, but how the anger is accepted and expressed. One way that all relationships can be improved, especially marital relationships, is to establish rules for fair fighting. Basic guidelines generally include the following:

• Think before you initiate a fight and listen before you respond.
• Remember, in a fair fight, there is no winner or loser. Either both win more intimacy or both lose.
• Strive to reach a solution to a specific problem.
• Stick to one issue at a time.
• Respect the thoughts and feelings of the other at all times (no criticism, sarcasm, minimizing, or demeaning).
• Avoid mind reading and making assumptions.
• Call for a time-out if feelings become too intense.
• Finish the discussion once feelings are more manageable.
• Avoid name calling and labeling.
• Do not use past events as weapons.
• Stick with the present.
• Avoid blaming by beginning sentences with "I feel," "I need," and "I would like."