Boundaries
Written by J.D. Willetts, Ph.D. and published on 21-May-2009.
The concept of boundaries has become extremely popular since the publication of the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. While the concept has made its way into everything from sermons and therapy sessions, to Bible studies and casual lunches, it continues to be misunderstood in its practical application.
Barriers. Some see boundaries as a selfish way to say "no" to everybody and keep the world at arm’s length. They use boundaries as justification for being isolated or uninvolved with others. Instead of boundaries, they employ barriers. Barriers can provide a high level of safety, but at the cost of interaction and relationship. Barriers are like a fortified wall around a city with no gate. Eventually, the person inside the barrier withers and becomes lifeless because the barrier is not permeable.
Broken Fences. Others see boundaries as halfhearted attempts to tell others how they prefer things to be. They see no power or strength in the boundary, and usually feel they are ineffective in relationships. This person typically shrivels at the first sign of opposition, and rarely attaches consequences to any boundaries. These boundaries are so permeable that they have no substance. The person within these weak boundaries feels overwhelmed and used by others. Their vitality is sapped away through lack of assertiveness and a co-dependent lifestyle.
Boundaries. Effective boundaries are strong and permeable. They are not a means of denying others access to you, but rather a definition of permissible ways of gaining access. Boundaries are not capricious or arbitrary, but are rooted in a sound value system. Sometimes this is a matter of setting priorities — "I can’t volunteer to help at the school bake sale this year because my family needs me at home." This isn’t just saying no to the school; it is saying yes to your family. At times, boundaries are a matter of standing strong in opposition to sin — "If you continue to yell at me and call me names, I will leave and you will not be able to have relationship with me." Some behavior should never be tolerated, but should be opposed as evil. Ultimately, boundaries are the most loving way to have relationship because they do what is best for all parties concerned.
