Client Testimonial
Anonymous
TESTIMONIAL OF A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
I am a 49 year old woman who lives, what most would think, is a charmed life – a great husband with 3 loving adult sons, a large beautiful home, a number of different successful careers, physically attractive, good natured with a great sense of humor and a positive outlook on most things. Many would describe me as a happy, assertive, friendly and caring person who loves life and people.
What they do not see is a 49 year old woman who has been stuck in a world of terror and pain for the last 36 years. I learned to expertly put on a smiling face in the throes of my worst anguish. I could easily win a "best actress" award if the NIMH let me. My biological father was an alcoholic who physically and verbally abused me. My step father viciously raped me at 13, telling me I made him do it. I never reported it to the police. I didn't know I was supposed to. Instead I finally told my mother who dismissed it because he denied it. I had become promiscuous and reckless as a teen. All of my boyfriends were abusive. I felt I deserved it. I had endured the death of 2 of my brothers, both murdered. I was beginning to have extreme mood swings. I attempted suicide at age 19. I was admitted into an in-patient psychiatric hospital for 2 months. It was truly frightening. The therapists there avoided addressing the rape or other abuse; primarily because my mother believed my mental illness caused me to imagine it all. Using my practiced "I'm OK" skills I managed to be released. I was diagnosed with manic depression, now called bipolar disorder. I was given medication, and sent home. I took the pills for a couple of months, and then stopped.
I learned to accept my mood swings as part of who I was. My manic behaviors made it easy to good grades in college and become very productive at work. At times I could not sleep. I could stay up for two days straight. My low times seemed to occur less, but when they did I would fantasize about suicide to escape the sadness. Instead, somehow, I had become a more seasoned actress to cover up my past and illness. My manic times seemed to last longer. When I would get depressed I'd say I had a migraine or was sick. I started dating a man who stole my heart. He was intelligent, kind and gentle. Not at all like the men I had been dating, who were aggressive and often abusive. We got married and eventually had 3 wonderful sons. Both my husband and I had great jobs, living the "good life". Although my mental health issues never went away somehow I endured it, but it began to affect my family. When I would get depressed I could do nothing but cry. At other times my husband and sons stayed away from me in fear of my lashing out at them. I would find some way to blame them for my uncontrollable behaviors. I became violent and then apologetic, which made me feel so guilty.
Inside I knew I was wrong, but once I got started it was uncontrollable. The facade that everything was just perfect on the outside became increasingly more difficult to maintain. Any small issue in my family became a huge issue in my mind and I would become hysterical, screaming and crying, sometimes throwing things. I would leave the house and drive to the Delaware Memorial Bridge and imagine what a relief it would be to just jump off to end the pain. My love for my sons was the only thing that stopped me. I was desperate for answers. I cannot recall the number of therapists and psychiatrists I went to for help and medication, none of them lasting for more than a couple of months. I again managed to convince myself, and a vast number of doctors, that I was OK. My job performance began to wane. I could not keep my thoughts organized enough to get much accomplished. It took me so long to get through a simple project. I compensated by staying late at work. Sometimes during the drive to work I would have thoughts of being raped and get nauseous, having to pull over to vomit. In time the thoughts started to become reality. When I was home I would hide in a closet to escape or wrap myself tightly in a blanket until the "act" was over. I had become accustomed to masking my deep-set issues with a smiling face and an overwhelming amount of projects (work and home) to keep me busy. Still I was reliving my rape and molestation over and over and over, feeling the exact same pain and every other aspect of that environment, on that day in 1973, at that very minute. It was overwhelming. I could no longer fake it.
I still could not understand why I could not shake the recurring torment and thoughts of suicide. I began to have periods where I could not feel myself, like I was trapped in a transparent chamber, not able to function or escape. When my sons came to be of adult age I think that's when I snapped. My flashbacks became more violent and when I looked in the mirror I could not see who I was anymore. I needed help so badly. My husband did not "buy in" to the fact that I was mentally ill and thought I could just turn the feelings of hopelessness off. He thought I could get over it if I really wanted to. I began to think I was being punished for over 30 years by some evil force. I must have done something terrible to deserve this life. I couldn't sleep at night because of menacing visions. I was withdrawing from my sons and husband. I was desperate for help but still apprehensive about repeating the same cycle of therapy sessions that never seemed to work. At the end of a particularly violent flashback I managed to call my health insurance company and get a list of therapists in my area.
I contacted the Pike Creek Psychological Center and explained to the person on the phone what was happening. I told her I needed someone who would be firm with me and not allow me to sugar coat anything. She referred me to Dr. Kim Champion. I laughed when I heard her last name. How appropriate. Here we go again...
The first thing I noticed was that she was not sitting behind a desk, as many of my past therapists did. Her office had comfortable chairs and a wonderful cozy couch. I immediately felt at home and began to cry while telling my story. It poured out, every bit of it. Kim did not interrupt me or try to put a label on what I was experiencing. She listened attentively, asking questions when I would pause. After a few sessions she told me about an excellent in-patient program that dealt specifically with post traumatic stress disorder. It was the first time I had heard that term without a war veteran being discussed. It scared me. Memories of my hospitalization years ago convinced me that I wanted to try to get better at home, close to my family. She suggested that given my issues, that we might want to meet twice a week. She assured me that with very hard work in therapy that I could get better. This would take much time and much energy. She had faith that I could get to the other side of this and come out shining. Her sincerity and genuine concern convinced me that I was in the right place. I decided to resign from my current job and work on myself. Kim helped me find a psychiatrist 5 minutes from her office. I was prescribed a number of different medications; many were not effective or had strange side effects. It took a long time to finally get a combination that I could tolerate. I would visit this doctor every two weeks until my symptoms started to become controllable. I learned that I had ADHD and yet more pills were prescribed. I did not like having to take so many pills, but I actually started to feel like I could function. At one point things seemed to worsen. My medication had to be tweaked again. I felt like the therapy sessions were too difficult and it wore me down. At times I dreaded going because I didn't want to do the work or talk about my disturbing past. I would change my mind at the last minute because I didn't want to give up. I knew the center was a safe place and deep in my heart I knew that I was seeing things differently.
My therapy sessions were teaching me many new things about myself. I already knew that being the child of an alcoholic had caused me to function in a certain way and that explained some things, but I also learned about dissociative disorder. Kim helped me to realize that there was this frightened girl inside of me who was hurting and afraid. Over the years I had worked so hard to try to bury that girl deep down inside, so I that could forget about her. This was a huge revelation for me. It helped me understand some of my outbursts of anger and sadness and why I would escape into that invisible chamber. I learned to recognize the events in my life that trigger my episodes. There are so many, but I am starting to be able to see them coming and redirect my old reactions with healthier behaviors. Everyday there is something new about me that I am discovering. I have been sitting on that couch twice a week, until recently, for 1 year and 5 months and many hours of counseling and very hard work. Kim has never given up on me. Never have I experienced such a caring staff and nurturing environment. I remember having an anxiety attack in my car sitting in the parking lot, just steps away from my scheduled appointment. I called the office to let them know I was in a panic and could not get out of the car. I was terrified. I was beginning to fade out and have a flashback. A staff member came out immediately and gently guided me inside so I could be safe and surrounded by support. I will never forget that.
I have read long testimonials about the importance of mental health counseling, but had I been able to read a snapshot of someone’s past as candid as this, I may have sought help sooner. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way. I have been given tools for my survival and rules to follow. I managed to get my husband to attend a session with Kim and me. Since then my mother has attended a session with me. Most recently one of my sons came with me. It has been so healing to have a professional listen to two sides of the same events. It allowed me to see how my actions and challenges have affected those around me. It has allowed those who love me to better understand my post traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit disorder, dissociative episodes, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I know that I am healing daily and I believe Kim has guided me to healthy places I did not know existed. The combination has been powerful and I intend to get all of the support I need to genuinely enjoy my life.
I feel so blessed and so alive, but still afraid at times. Do I still have setbacks? Yes, absolutely, and the setbacks are opportunities that allow me to exercise my strengths. The difference is that, with counseling and medication management, I have learned to recognize the triggers that have led me into that ugly familiar abyss. I can actually discuss events and point out the elements that may have caused me to dissociate. I am so grateful for the services that Pike Creek Psychological Center has offered. Now instead of fear I have hope because I know there is support from professionals that care. They have helped me to rescue, and comfort, and nurture, and empower that young girl who is beginning to grow up to be me!
